Fast forward three years and not much has changed. I did loose more weight but I have been in this holding pattern for a year now. I am down right disgusted with my weight, my body, and my wardrobe. I have been on weight watchers off and on during those 3 years. I am obviously failing at it right now.
How can I get a jump start out of this pattern. It seems that I am constantly living in sweatshirts and jeans. Last weekend I had a chance to hang out with my youngest sister and instead of bringing one of my cute purses I opted to carry my wallet/phone/keys in a backpack!! What the hell?
This weekend I got to go out with some friends and I finally got out of the sweat shirt. I put on great shoes, a cute top, and grabbed a real purse. I felt good about myself. My friends said I looked great. I think it is funny that I got all this positive feedback, it is obvious that they too noticed my mommy uniform.
But today, I have been in a funk all day. All that feeling good about myself yesterday was completely lost. It faded away faster then a dream when you wake up. I hate my body, hate the number on the scale, hate my midsection, and this feeling of grossness. But all that gross feeling just makes me want to binge on everything I can get my hands on, which I know will only make me feel worse later. I have tried to be smart, watched my portions, busy all day, and drank water. I am not looking forward to stepping on that scale tomorrow.
I want to be happy with my body and my weight so badly. I do not want my body and diet issues to be passed on to my little girl. I grew up in a home where my mother was always on a diet, that never worked. Even now, she continues to talk about how she needs to lose weight. I blame her but it is not her fault.
Today, I am obsessed with my weight. No body knows this but I weigh myself at least 3 times a day. One day I weighed myself 8 times! I have become obsessed. I know that this is not healthy but it is like I can't help it. There is so many more scale stories I could share but I'm just not ready. I am getting to the point where I need to hand over my scale to someone to keep it away from me for a week. Maybe then I will be less stressed about my daily eating.
Something needs to change and I need to reach my goal by August 15th. Why that date? I will tell you later.
These are things I commit to the universe:
1. Eat healthily every day
2. Watch portion sizes and snacks
3. Be active daily, at least 30 minutes each day - outside or inside
4. Only weigh myself on Monday mornings
5. Drink 64 oz of water a day
Wish me luck world. Keep you posted.
