Getting Back Out There

Disclaimer: This post is more about being a single woman than a single mom. 

Being a single mom can be very rewarding most of the time, hard a few times, and also very freeing.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being a mom.  Some would say that being a single mom is really hard and draining. While it has it's moments, I find it has a great balance.  But I am very lucky that I have a great co-parent that is an amazing dad.  We have mastered a great schedule that gives security to our daughter as well as gives us individual time that we can depend on. 

I have evenings and weekends that I can depend on to use how I want.  I can plan happy hours, hanging out with friends, movie nights, etc.  I can plan and execute quick(er) shopping trips to places like the grocery store and/or Costco.

I have been divorced since 2009 and for awhile I wasn't ready to date another person.  But last year, around this time, I let go of a lot of baggage and decided it was time to get out there and date.  I had a few dates, but then it ended quickly.  I enjoyed hanging out with another person, enjoyed feeling special, etc.  While that dating trip stalled out, I enjoyed the short ride.

When you get a divorce I think everyone goes through a mourning period and everyone takes on dating at their own pace.  For some they are able to start dating as soon as the separation begins, others have to wait until everything is final, and others (like me) need to take a few extra breaths to ensure they are ready.  In 2012 I was fully to date and have some fun.  I was ready to be around someone who appreciates me, compliments me, comforts me, and desires me.  I am not looking to get married any time soon and I do not want any more kids, but I do want to share my life with another adult.

That lends to the question of "now what?"  Universe...Bring It!  I am ready for it.

My now what included going the ol' online dating route, hanging out with an old friend, and of course meeting new friends at the bar.

After a few bad and awkward dates, I finally met someone that I ended up having a lot of fun with.  We dated a few months, but then he suggested we "just be friends" and we ended things.  Then I was asked out by an amazing man that continues to make me smile.  I have found someone who likes me for me, likes kids and isn't afraid of the responsibility and we have a great time together.  I am lucky to be a single parent with a great co-parent so that I can have the time to explore this relationship and make time for it.  So we will see how the it goes and enjoy being "back out there."

A+ in Organization

It is my mission to be a very organized person.  I keep things in files, in storage bins, neat on a shelf, etc.  This can sometimes prove to be a challenge when you have a small child.  While my daughter also exhibits good organizational skills and puts things away, sometimes the creative genes are louder than the type A genes. 

Now only if I could get her Nana to pay a bit more attention to my style and appreciate it more rather than look at me like I am crazy.  Every person has a way of doing things and in their home it is the "right" way. 

Another note, I am not crazy.  I am extremely organize.  That's right, I inventory the freezer, I set the menu for the day the night before, I can't sleep well if the sink is full, and I dispize crumbs on the counter.  None of these things make me crazy, they make me a good homemaker. 

I make menus and inventory the freezer so I can stay within my grocery budget.  As a single mom, you have to to these things in order to not over extend yourself and make the most of the food you have. 
I don't like crumbs on the counter or a sink full of dishes because I want things to be neat and I do not want to give fruit flies any reason to visit our kitchen. 

Yes I know that I am a bit on the crazy side when I have to reload the dishwasher, but there is a system to that too.  :-)

And yes, I do list a menu for my daughter for Nana to follow, because her dad and I have a very high standard when it come to nutrition for her.  While we do not serve organic everything and do let her have sweets, on occassion, and such we do want her to get her five servings of fruits and veggies and make sure she is drinking enough milk and water.  My mom has unique ideas on what is healthy and what is not, and I just want to make sure my daughter is getting the right lessons.  I know grandma's are suppose to give sweets and yummy things, but Jell-o is not a source of protein and taking the skin off fried chicken is not the same as baking chicken in the oven.  Just so you know. 

So in a nutshell, I like order, I like organization, even my kid likes these things.  And I just ask that you respect these ideals so that I can trust my daughter in your care.  I know she is safe, but it is better to know that she is getting the same lesson from all of the adults in her life. 

And, I am not crazy. :-)

Superior? Inferior? Blah-erior.

As a single parent, I sometimes question if I am doing everything right.
I am sure dual parent families have the same doubts, but it feels more compounded when you are single.
I sometimes get caught up in the lows of parenthood, even though I know I have lots of amazing moments.
For example, my kiddo has the exact same bedtime routine at my house and her dad's house.  However, at dad's house she goes right to sleep, but at my house she gets out of bed 3-4 times, stalls, stalls, stalls.  Takes about an hour to actually go to sleep.  There are some nights where I am near tears, swearing at the clock, and angry texting her dad.  What am I doing wrong?  How am I the weaker parent?  I am not interested in being the superior parent, I am only interested in us being equal parents.  But am I sending some odd signal that tells her she can take advantage of me?  Can she smell my insecurities and use them against me?
I just want her to learn to go right to sleep.
We continue to work on it, with some progress.  Luckily, I have a great parenting partner who helps reinforce our shared expectations.  I understand that I am very lucky to have a good relationship with my co-parent, but when it is 10pm and my kid is still not asleep I start to question my ability.
This example is the only one I can even think of where I do question my parenting skills.  I am confident that my daughter knows she is loved, that there are rules, she knows it is my job to teach her everything I can, and she knows she can ask anything.  But now I need her to know bedtime is not the time to inquire.

Workin' It!

When I decided to start a family I knew that I was going to be a working mommy.  I was very okay with this.  I never really was drawn to the concept of being a stay at home mom.  I do admire the women I know who are a SAHM and at times was a bit envious.  SAHM moms always seem busy with domestic duties, kid duties, and family adventures.  It does look great, but I am just not made for it.  I even admit that I couldn't even enjoy my maternity leave with out the help of my Blackberry that kept me connected with work. 

However, last fall I was given the gift of time and while I searched for a new job, I got to be a stay at home mommy.  Apparently, God said it was time for me to be at home with my daughter.  A kind of parental "stop and smell the roses" push.  While unemployment is scarier than many things in life, it was the break that I needed.  I have been working non-stop since Junior year in college.  Even when I moved to Seattle, I left UofI on the 14th and started the new job on the 17th, only taking the weekend to move across the state. 

My time off work was filled with lots of mother/daughter time.  She became my little side kick even more so.  I love the time we spent exploring.  I also had a great time helping in her classroom.  I cherished the fact that I got to spend all day with her, and not just the couple of hours between me getting home and bed time. 

But I knew it had to come to an end at some point.  I knew that I could only sustain being a SAHM for a short time, let's be real - unemployment checks do not provide stability long term.  So the job search was continuous and it finally paid off with a great job offer exactly 6 months from the day I left UW.  God said it was time to get back to work! 

My daughter is having a little be of a hard time with me going back to work.  Every morning she asks me if I have to go to work that day, hoping for a different answer.  When i tell her, yes I do, she gets very teary and sad. It does break my heart every time, but I just remind her that mommy's and daddy's have to work so that we can go on adventures on the weekends, and to pay for the home we live in and for the things around us.  She understands but that doesn't me she likes it. 

For now I am a working mom and am proud to be able to provide for my family in this way.  I don't think that will ever change, but hopefully my job will allow me to take off every now and then to give her a different answer when she asks, "do you haaaavvvve to go to work today?"

I enjoyed the time I got to spend with my little girl immensely and am so thankful.

The Nail Biter

When Gabbi was little and learning how to use the potty, we often used painting her nails as a distraction to have her wait.  It was great.  She grew to love her nails painted.  We would paint our fingernails and toenails.  I loved having her pick colors at the store and now out of our stock pile of colors.

Then she developed this nasty habit of biting her nails.  It drives me crazy!!  I know there are worse things she could do, but come on!  She saw it as her nightly duty to scrape all of her pretty polish with her teeth.  Then there are the hang nails.  Uggg.  She would tell me that she would try really hard to not chew on them, but every morning there were just these little scraps of nails.  Where did she get this?  I have my theories, but will not know for sure.  I know that I don't bite my nails, nor does her dad.  So who knows.  I asked her one day when/why she did it.  She said she did it when she would lay down for her naps and night time.  And she said it was because I wasn't looking.  Granted she may be the smartest kid I know, but this also told me she knew she wasn't suppose to chew on her nails.

One day after she had gotten ready for bed I noticed her toe nails were also looking shaggy and it occurred to me that we hadn't done a pedicure in awhile.  I asked her if she bit them, "Yep" said with pride.  I asked her how.  "I bend my leg."  Well, that makes perfect sense.

So it is now our daily job to work on not biting her nails.  It has only been a week and I am so very proud of her.  Many folks suggested the gross tasting polish for her.  But every where I looked didn't have it, plus I wanted her to learn by doing, not by conditioning.

Then we came across the Berenstain Bear's book, Bad Habits.  It was about how Sister Bear chewed on her nails.  Part of her plan was to tape her fingertips to remind her not to bite them.  Gabbi liked this idea so we tried it.  She was excited to help me buy tape at the store and liked our new ritual of putting it on.  She played with them at first, but she ended up doing great.

Even after two nights of tape and no chewing, we saw nail growth.  Gabbi was so proud of herself, and so I was I!!  She loves that she is getting nails.  We decided that her reward for growing her nails will be a special manicure with Mommy.  I can't wait!!

To Nap or Not to Nap

I think we are approaching a huge hurdle in child raising.  I think my little kiddo is growing out of naps.  I was afraid this day would come.  She is one of the last few in her class that actually still take naps.

Lately though she has been only sleeping for an hour or even less.  If she takes her old 2 hour nap she tends to struggle more at bedtime, just takes a long time to fall asleep.

There is part of me that is kind of relieved to be past naps.  It would mean that we don't have to plan our weekend adventures around a nap.  Not that it interrupts us too much but it can be inconvenient.  Then there is the other part of me that is very sad to say goodbye to naps (when it finally happens).  I love how it  allows her to be rested and refreshed midday.  I like that it gives me a couple hours to get stuff done around the house, check email, take a nap myself or work out.

I am still trying to decipher Gabbi's cues if she really is ready to stop naps.  According to her she will always chose to skip her naps.  According to her dad he wants her to take naps for another couple years.  How do you know if they have out grown naps?  What if I am wrong and am rushing this?  What if I miss the cues that she needs to go back to taking naps?  All of a sudden I think I skipped a chapter in "What to Expect - the Toddler Years".

I am confident that I will figure it out, but it will take some time and I am sure some rough afternoons/evenings.  I feel like I need to prepare some sort of ritual to say farewell to naps.  Perhaps a farewell party, with no chance for a reunion tour.

What's your sign?

Sign language is a blessing.  It was my guide past the terrible two's.  It was our early entertainment and fun activity.  It continues to be useful even as Gabbi nears four years old.

Even before Gabbi was born I decided that sign language was going to be a tool we integrated from very early on.  I grew up with a grandmother and grandfather who were deaf and still remembered some sign.  I had also read that teaching American Sign Language (ASL) to babies and toddlers help them communicate their needs before they can talk.  This was proven time and time again with my little one.

Before Gabbi could talk we started to sign.  Her dad and I would sign as much as we could at all times. We also received a great gift of Baby Signing Time by Rachel Coleman.  My stepmom got us the first volume and we nearly wore out the dvds.  I admit I would pop one in to give me a chance to shower and get ready.  It gave me 25 minutes to get ready and educated Gabbi.  Most of the time we did watch the show a few times in a row and we would practice the signs.  We continue to watch Signing Time on occasion and we practice everyday.

Gabbi picked up ASL very quickly and used it a great deal before she could talk and after.  She used it to tell us when she wanted more food, bottle, developed manners like saying please and thank you, identify animals, and all sorts of things.  She also was able to learn the sign for potty to let us know when she had to go.  We still use this sign, it allows us to ask her if she needs to go without letting everyone else know what we are talking about.

I noticed today that ASL continues to help me care for Gabbi.  At her gym she plays/dances in the room and I get to watch on the other side of the glass.  (Sounds odd but it works)  If she starts to get distracted and looks at me I can sign to her to listen, ask if she has to go potty, and tell her good job with out shouting or disrupting the other parents.

I love that ASL continues to used in our household.  We will continue to learn our signs, watch our videos, and develop our signing skills.  She has forgotten some of the signs but picks them up quickly.

My favorite sign that Gabbi did is actually one that she made up herself.  When she was about 18 months old she was really into Disney's Cinderella movie and she made a sign for Cinderella.  It is basically the ASL sign for applause but it's her sign for the movie.  Too darn cute.  Much like Gabbi.

So my advice is teach your child sign language, at any age.  There are a lot of resources out there to help. Visit your library and get some board books and videos.  Visit the Signing Time website and think about getting some of their items.  It is an investment into your little kiddo.

Whining Queen

I swear yesterday my little girl was this super adorable, seeking to please, mega helper.  But for some reason my little girl woke up determined to be crowned the Whining Queen.  I then end up trying to be Serious Queen.  Don't get me wrong, she is still super adorable, pleasing, and super mega helper.  But now when ever I ask her to do something or tell her it is time to end an activity she tries to argue.

Seriously, it feels like she is arguing, but that description just doesn't seem right.  It isn't that she is trying to say I am wrong or she is right, it is just she feels the need to say the exact opposite of what she is has been asked/told to do.  They say in the articles that you are suppose to let your toddler be part of the decision making, give her options, and embrace her independence.  I do embrace it and hope that she continues to grow into a strong, independent young lady, but still mommy knows best.

How do you get past this part?  How do you keep your cool while trying to de-throne the Whining Queen?  We have consequences and stern voices to counteract the impromptu tears and fake whine induced hiccups.  But sometimes I catch my self wagging my finger a bit more than I ever wanted too.  Then of course she cries and says I am hurting her feelings by being so serious with her.  Well, do what you are told and I won't be serious or you are hurting my feelings by not listening.

So what I have determined is she is starting to test her limits, learn more about reactions and consequences, as well as be a kid who just wants her way.  My commitment to her is to maintain the limits, teach her manners, teach her how to express herself and love her through her reign of royal whining period.  I also commit to be consistent with consequences so that she can learn and to maintain a home that allows her to grow but with boundaries and expectations.

I have to remind myself that this is just a phase and that really she is wonderful 90% of the time.  She is very easy going, loving, and good mannered.  She impresses me daily with how well she acts.  I guess that is also why these little whining out bursts throw me for such a loop, they are so unlike her.

Hopefully, the Queen of Whining will succumb and vacate our kingdom quickly.

Dating Post-Divorce

How do you find a date post divorce?  Many of my close to 30/never been married friends have done the online thing, but that just does not interest me.
How does one find a way to date without feeling awkward?  I haven't dated since the 90's!  Yes I am that old.
The last time I dated there was no Facebook, cell phones, or even text messaging.  So the pressure is on.
I know that most of my "identity" is based on me being a mother, but as I mentioned, I am also a woman.  I am only 32 and I have the rest of my life to live.
What have you done to meet that other soul mate?
I miss dating, even though it has been a long time.  I miss talking about my day to another adult who genuinely cares and can comfort me when the day goes to hell.  Or even the small things like cuddling before bed, holding hands while walking, or sharing dreams about the future.  I miss going out for dinner without ordering from the kids menu or sharing my order with the kiddo.
I don't know if I will ever get married, but I hope that I find a partner that will support me as an individual and as a mother.  I hope that I find a partner that will love me for being a strong woman, a motivated career woman, and a giving mom.  But I guess I also have to put myself out there for that to happen.
I don't think I want to meet someone at a bar and I don't belong to a gym so how does this happen?  Only time will tell.  I you know someone who is single and won't just screw me over, send them my way.  Feel free to hand out my number, email or other.  I am open to finding someone to make plans with, not to marry.  I am looking for someone to have fun with and enjoy life with.  Keep me in mind!

Taking Care of Me

As mothers I think we often put ourselves last on our priority lists.  We often are the ones that eat last, shower last, get updated clothes last and so on.  We often feel guilty if we have the sitter or spouse watch the kiddo so you can go get your nails done or go to the gym or just go for an hour.  We often rationalize ourselves out of buying something for ourselves because we know the kiddo or family needs something else.  I can't tell you how many times I have used a gift card I received ends up going to buying something for my daughter or for the house.
Over the last few months I have spent a lot of time thinking about balance and how I can take care of myself too.  I have learned that my taking care of some of my needs can enable me to pay even more attention to my family's needs.  Now, I'm not suggesting going out every day or week for a day of beauty at a ritzy spa or anything like this, but take a few minutes out of each day to pay attention to you.  Or take the time to review your monthly budget to see if you can budget in a Mommy Maintenance fund.  This fund can go towards a mani/pedi, a new pair of shoes, a movie with some friends, new music from iTunes, or even some Kindle books.  Whatever lets you relax or feel special about yourself.
I don't like to spend a lot of money on me and hate the guilt if I do even more.  So I find ways to spend a bit of time on me with out spending a lot of money.
One way I love is taking care of my nails.  Every month I crave a manicure and pedicure.  I think that this comes from a time when I had acrylics and had my nails done every other week.  So rather than spend the $60 plus tip every month I head to either Walgreens or Target and pick up one or two $2 nail polishes and spend a night giving my nails some TLC.  This is also helpful from keeping me from snacking in front of the tv (yay!).  In the end my nails look great, I have another color to add to the collection, and I didn't waste $58 or a few hours of time.  This way I also don't come home with a ton of guilt weighing down my mani/pedi high.
I believe that I also have the opportunity to show my daughter that you can do small things for yourself and gain a great deal from it.  I don't want her to grow up with this idea of entitlement or high maintenance.
Now don't get me wrong there one thing that I do believe that Mom's should do for themselves and only leave it up to the professionals and that is waxing.  Any kind of waxing.  If you continue to pluck your own eyebrows or shave your bikini line - stop.  Go to a professional!  They have been trained and are the experts. This is an added expense but it is so worth it.  If you just get your eyebrows you only have to worry about maintaining the arch and can go once a month.  If you get your bikini line done, go all year!  Some women think that this is reserved for the months you actually wear a bikini or only if you are in a relationship where someone might actually see you naked, but I say false to both.  This is also just for you.  It is amazing how just 15 minutes of a bit of pain can make you feel sexy.  Just think about it.  Go online and Google some waxing boutiques.  Don't just depend on the neon signs you see around the minimalls.  I suggest going to a boutique that solely specializes in waxing.
So in a nutshell, don't just be a mom everyday.  Remember that what made you a mom was the fact that you are a woman.  You were a woman first and still are.  Continue to be a woman.  Again this sets you up to be a better mom, wife, partner, and role model.
Take care of you so that you can take care of everyone else!

Working Mommy

Back in October, my job ended and  I started the ever challenging task of job searching.  But during this time I have had the greatest opportunity to be at home with my daughter.  I have said it many times, but she is my life's greatest achievement and I will never doubt that.

While I have cherished all of this time as a stay at home mom, I do miss working outside of the home.  But often as I am doing my daily tasks or weekly errands I find myself asking, how am I going to get all this done, spend time with Gabbi, and work.  I love working and I love being a very present mom and I only hope that I can find a balance when the time comes for me to go back to work.   

As I continue to look for a job and continue to think positively about the search, I try to think of how I can install balance in my live when I go back to work.  So far one of my favorite way is the weekly menu.  I have tried this in the past for me when I used weight watchers, but now I look at it as a way to add order to my home.  I sit down each weekend to create the weeks menu for Gabbi and I.  This allows me to take the time to see what I currently have in the fridge and freezer.  I was amazed how much I had in the freezer.  Where did all this food come from?  Anyhow, after some planning I also end up with my grocery list.  With this in hand my experience at the grocery store also feels more meaningful.  It actually feels like I accomplish more on the shopping excursion and it limits my impulse purchases to nearly zero.

So whether you are work out of the home mom or a work at home mom (or SAHM) try a weekly or monthly menu.  They provide you with some direction when the kiddo is asking what is for lunch/dinner, provides direction down the grocery isle, and can even save you money.

Others will also suggest that you plan your meals while browsing through the Sunday grocery adds.  I also suggest freezing portions of your yummy meals if you have made too much.  It is easy to grab something to thaw in the morning and you won't be throwing out moldy leftovers because you forgot they were in the fridge.

One week in to the new year with this new menu plan and it feels great!  For example, it was helpful when Nana asked what she should give my daughter for lunch and I just had to refer her to the menu on the fridge.

Watch out 2011, SuperMom is here!!